When you realize you no longer live solely for yourself, as another human being is literally growing inside you, depending his/her life on you.
When you know that every breath, every drop of water, and every little thing you do and take – matter for him/her.
And that’s how you know; you’re growing a part of you. Even if you haven’t met him/her.
You know he/she is already being a part of you.
And life changes.
When the ob-gyn just said he couldn’t find any heartbeat inside my womb anymore. And he told us, that in my 10th week of pregnancy, the fetus’ is only in 8 week in size, meaning the fetal death might have occurred since two weeks ago.
And exactly two weeks ago, December 24th, it was apparently being the first and the last time I saw his/her heartbeat on the screen.
It was 148 bpm in average, I still remember.
It was December 10th 2019, 9 AM.
We went out from the ob-gyn exam room with a mournful feeling trying to digest everything.
It was raining outside, and Jakarta’s morning rain that day might be a thing we all had been yearning for.
Even colder to face it with all the news, grief, and a bunch of worries.
I am trying hard to write this today, as a part of the therapy to let go. I still cry in my alone time – I asked Andi to stay as I can’t afford to be alone these days.
But anyway; We are okay. All curette surgery and everything went well.
Now it’s time for us to wait for the autopsy report, and see my hematologist to read my APS status – we just found out that I have an issue with my blood (beta–2 glycoprotein 1 antibodies level is wayyyy too high) which might be the most potential reason causing the miscarriage. And too bad, the lab result was just out on the day I bleed – December 9th 2019, so we hadn’t have enough time to prevent.
Grief takes time. But it won’t take away our hopes.
See you again little human. In another time.
Jakarta, December 11th 2019.